


Wanting

by TheKinkAwakens (thekinkawakens)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/M, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), The Force
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:47:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21619369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekinkawakens/pseuds/TheKinkAwakens
Summary: Tu'ala’s weakness was that she wanted what everyone else seemed to have. And what she wanted more than anything was a soulmate. But Jedi don't have soulmates.(Comic characters appear in linked in the notes)
Relationships: Tu'ala/Zuth
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4
Collections: Star Wars Rare Pairs Exchange 2019





	Wanting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [serenityabrin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenityabrin/gifts).



> [Click this link to read the comic these characters are from, The Lesson ](https://imgur.com/a/hDR4otN)

Tu'ala’s weakness was that she wanted what everyone else seemed to have. The Jedi path was a noble path, but it meant sacrifice. She knew she wanted to be a Jedi, but she wasn’t sure why it had to be the only thing she wanted. 

When she was young, Tu'ala had wanted a mother. She’d had one, of course, but she didn’t remember the woman. She’d dreamed of someone who only had eyes for her, whose attention she could be certain of. In her teens her wants turned to the stylish leathers, bright glittering capes, and the glowing jewels she saw on the streets. She dreamed of the attention she’d get wearing them. She got a few, hiding them in spaces in the temple that were well-worn with the use of generations of padawans hiding counterbound. 

There were things that Tu'ala wanted and that she could get with ease, picking up fruits and snacks that the Temple didn’t serve. There were things she could briefly experience but not hold onto. And there were things that were forever out of her reach, including the thing that Tu'ala wanted most of all. A soulmate. 

Every planet, every species, every culture, and every grouping had a different understanding of what a soulmate was. Some species like Chiss just had one. Others, like the Cerean had harems. Wookies had three, a warrior's triad. For species like the Falleen it was all about reproduction. Others, like the Hutt, reproduced asexually and considered their soulmates their strongest allies. 

Master Wace explained it was a matter of practicality. 

“Those who aren’t connected with the force lack balance. Soulmates are the universe’s way of creating harmony. Cool tempers balance heated ones. Volatile personalities are tempered by stable beings. The confused with the certain. The stubborn with the adaptable. Such bondings are necessary, or individuals may be swayed too heavily to their natural inclination. Jedi find such balance through connecting directly with the Force through meditation and training, removing the need for soulbonds with others.”

Tu'ala hadn’t liked his point of view. Soulmates weren’t a practical necessity. They were the truest form of love. It was the clearest example of Fate. But despite the role of the Force in creating the bonds, force-users were denied them.

Some padawans believed that being connected with the Force took the place of a soulbond. Others thought that the Masters removed the bonds when students began training to lead against temptations. Tu'ala wasn’t so certain. Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but in her meditations she’d occasionally feel a pull of some sort, leading her and guiding her towards some unknown source. The more she tried to focus on it though, the more it slipped away like trying to hold onto sand.

But if Tu'ala couldn’t have a soulmate, she would enjoy the things she could have. She and Zuth had been called back to the Temple after two years of training and patrols on the outer planets. During that period of isolation Tu'ala had reached majority and was now officially an adult in the eyes of the laws of Coruscant. And she planned on taking full advantage of the fact.

It was expected that Padwans push the boundaries a bit. It was part of why the temple guards looked both in and out during their walks. Tu'ala liked to push the boundaries a bit more than most. It wasn’t difficult to find two other padawans and convince them they’d all earned a night off of training. It also wasn’t difficult to locate a loose panel. 

She was stepping out through the force-opened panel when she felt Zuth appear on her left. She bit back a groan. She was acutely aware of the tight red fabric of her dress, and the various geometric cutouts. Of course it was Zuth who caught her sneaking out of the temple. Whether it was because he knew her, or because of the forces influence on fate, didn’t particularly matter. The other two flinched, but Tu'ala just sighed as his calm stare bore into them, already expecting his words. 

Other masters might make displays of being disappointed in their apprentices, but Zuth only ever accepted her limitations with a calm stare. His words were ones he’d said a hundred times before. “Wanting is a dark pathway that only leads to more wanting. Your efforts would be better spent in learning the ways of the Force and the peace it can bring you.” He gently cusped her shoulder before moving on.

As he walked away the other Padwans hesitated, uncertain. Their previous bravado thrown by being caught. Tu'ala had to physically grab them by their arms and pull them the rest of the way through the gate. Someday she’d be a Jedi master, removed from the individual petty desires of her body, but tonight she was going to see what the city-world had to offer.

They’d began their night at a nightclub, but the flashing lights and crowded bodies had been too much. Now they were at a bar with a bith band playing. She’d lost the other two to a game of sabaac. It wasn’t a huge loss. The other padawans were giddy and already well into their drinks. Tu'ala had been planning on doing the same but she hadn’t found anything that excited her either in the club, or the bar. No matter how much she tried to convince herself, she was aware that gambling and drinks weren’t actually what she wanted. 

Zuth may have let them go, but he’d still managed to ruin the mood of the night Tu'ala thought darkly as she took another sip of her drink. 

She stared into the amber liquid, ignoring a flash of pink movement in front of her. A beautiful Zeltron had been attempting to make eyes at her across the bar since they arrived. Tu'ala was facing a losing battle in pretending to not notice. Zeltron’s empathetic abilities and pheromones made it easy to distinguish their interest. She felt a pointed wave of curiosity mixed with lust brush against her mind as the Zeltron’s dancing brought her closer to Tu'ala’s seat. She could feel her own face getting red as she picked up her drink and retreated away from the crowded dance floor. She told herself it was a tactical retreat to regain her barings. 

When Tu'ala had been training in the Outer Rim with only Zuth for company she’d imagined such scenarios. Not all species waited to find their soulmates, and many had platonic bonds that allowed them to find their pleasure in others. She’d thought that maybe being with another person, even if they weren’t her soulmate, might be enough to fulfill her desire to be wanted and be a part of something more. 

Now she had the chance, and she found herself only able to think of the warmth of her master’s hand against the bare skin of her arm. It wasn’t the first time her thoughts had lingered on the feeling of her Master’s skin against her own. It probably wasn’t even the millionth. 

It was a terrible cliche to lust after your Master. Master Mundi had even given her group of Initiates an incredibly uncomfortable lecture about it during one of their trainings. The life of a Padwan was to follow their Master across the universe, often in isolation.

“Such feelings are normal and should be processed through meditation. It is not what we want that leads us to the dark side, it is how we process it. Do not be overcome by shame or the need to possess. Instead take in and accept what your flesh desires, and then see how little it means in comparison to the fate that the force wills.”

As one of the few Jedi who was allowed to have married and mated, Tu'ala thought that it was easy for Master Mundi to talk about getting over bodily urges. 

Thinking of bodily urges made her groan. No wonder the Zeltron had focused in on her, she was sure she was a mess of conflicting hormones and signals. Being out at a bar wasn’t the exciting escape she’d been picturing, and it certainly wasn’t proving to be a solution to her problem. She put her glass down on the table near the entrance and decided the other two wouldn’t miss her. She needed some fresh air, or whatever passed for fresh air on the city planet. She wrapped her cloak tightly around her as she made her way by foot down the lower city streets.

She wasn’t sure where she was going until she arrived. Standing out among the dingy bars was a bright shimmering building. It had no sign, but it didn’t need one. The Matchmakers Guild was renowned even on the most outer planets. 

Some said they were hacks, others said their services were unnatural. However, the fact remained that the Matchmakers had ways of finding almost anyone’s soulmate for a price. Tu'ala didn’t give herself any time to think, she just stepped through the brightly lit doors.

Inside it was almost too bright. The door blended in with the walls, leaving her in what appeared to be a never ending field of white light. It was incredibly unnerving, yet she found herself feeling more at peace than she could remember. A black furred cathar appeared in front of her, rescuing her from the conflicting feelings and senses. “I am Matchmaker Murrri, please follow me,” she said. 

Tu'ala was led into another room, this one grey and misty. “Let’s see what we have here,” Murri said. A clawed hand grasped her own. “Oh, a force user, that is quite the challenge.” The Matchmaker purred as she began to pull out various bottles from her robes.

How the Matchmakers worked was a mystery. They weren’t necessarily force-sensitive. Supposedly they had a database, but it only worked for a quarter of those who employed their services. For the rest, they had to be creative. Tu'ala hadn’t heard of potions being used, but that was clearly what the Matchmaker was brewing. Eventually a bright silver liquid was poured into small thimble in front of her. 

“Should I drink it?”

“Of course not,” the matchmaker said with a chiming laugh. The liquid began to form a bubble that Tu'ala couldn’t take her eyes off of. And then almost as quickly the bubble popped.

And Tu'ala’s head was suddenly under water, her breath escaping in mercury bubbles. Suddenly she was seeing Master Zuth again for the first time. He’d arrived at the temples during the Initiate Trials and Tu'ala hadn’t been able to keep her eyes off of him. He’d been striking with his heavy scarring, handsome face, and gentle eyes. Tu'ala had immediately wanted to impress him. She felt invincible when she realized his eyes were also trained on her.

The vision melted into several hundred others. Times they’d spent pressed close together in cramped quarters. His hands on her arms and legs as he adjusted her form. All the times he’d cupped her face and stared into her eyes, letting her know he cared about her no matter how difficult the lesson he was teaching her. 

Not all were happy memories. There were skirmishes and battles. Moments where he’d go silent after failing to save a life. The way he’d take off his lightsaber after a battle and remove it from his sight until he’d meditated for hours. There were also nonconsequential memories, like the dozens of times he’d driven her to madness by needing to look up the exact way a local culture ate the food they’d gotten before allowing them both to eat it. Often the food would go cold or gooey before he was satisfied that he understood what they were about to eat and how to eat it.

The final vision wasn’t a memory or even a fantasy or dream. It was just the feeling of his thumb brushing against her lips. The sensation was so vivid that she wasn’t certain it wasn’t happening and had always happened.

She gasped as the water left her lungs. She reached up but her face and hair were dry. She realized her eyes were still closed. When she opened them she found herself staring at the entrance of the Matchmaker’s tower. She had a thousand questions, but she knew the answers wouldn’t be found inside. Instead she headed back to the temple.

Usually when she had a question she would go to her Master. She knew she shouldn’t. But as his padawan her apartment attached to his, and she found herself lurking outside his door. She could feel the exact moment her lurking caused him to wake. And having already woken him she decided it only made sense to at least see him. Her head was foggy, her thoughts still swirling. If she could just see him she thought the world may go back to order. 

He didn’t speak or question her as she let herself in. He just slowly sat up, making room for her and allowing the blankets to pool around his waist. The sleeveless shirt he’d worn to sleep showed off dozens of scars scattered over his body. Her eyes followed the lines of them as she walked towards him. 

When she sat down upon his bed he simply moved to make room for her. Their thighs still brushed against one another’s, the bed wasn’t quite large enough for two adults to sit comfortably. They sat in silence on the warmth of his bed while she gathered her thoughts. 

“I went to a Matchmaker,” she said, her voice was softer than she’d expected. “Do you know what I saw?”

“I can’t say I’m familiar with their ways. And as far as I know no Jedi has ever felt the need to use their services,” his voice was slightly rough with sleep but his gaze was fully awake as it looked her over. He was impossible to read though.

“Because we don’t have soulmates,” she asked, her tone accusing.

“That would depend on who you asked. It’s true that regardless of the species Force users don’t have a single soulmate. But we do have those who also use the force who may balance us more than others. To some that is a soulmate. To others that is just a way to get closer to the force, and shouldn’t be seen as anything more.”

“And if I asked you, would you have called me a soulmate?”

“If you’d asked I would have told you that our destinies are intertwined. It is no secret that the Force chooses the apprentice and the Master. Just as it brings together any other pairing our grouping. We are bound with the Force and therefore with all living things. You know there exists more than just bonds between individuals though. It was always our destiny to be together for a time, but we are also part of a larger plan” he said.

“Just for a time?” Tu'ala asked.

Zuth pushed his leg more firmly against her own. “We will be together for however long fate wills it, Tu'ala. For now you have me, completely. I have never taken on a Padawan before, I don’t see myself taking on another after you. Someday you will no longer be my padawan. However, many Jedi remain close with their former Masters.”

“I understand,” Tu'ala said. And she did. There had never been some great secret to uncover, that was just a juvenile dream. There was only the force, the complicated weavings of fate, and how the Jedi chose to live within the two. Nothing had changed. She clenched her fingers into the soft bed sheets. “It has been a long night Master. I should go to bed, I still have training with the other apprentices tomorrow,” she said as she pulled away from him.

He stopped her by gently cupping her face, the calluses of his hand rough against her skin. “You say you understand, but clearly you didn’t get what you wanted from this conversation. What have I said to make you cry?”

Tu'ala wasn’t aware that tears had begun escaping her eyes. She roughly wiped them away.  
“Nothing, you’ve said nothing.” His thumb caressed her cheek, she glanced up and into his dark eyes before looking down again. “I understand that this is all part of the Force, and that as force-users we have a different path than others. I just wanted something else. I wanted to know there was someone out there who’d love me,” she whispered the last piece, her most embarrassing truth. 

“You know I love you,” he said. And it was true, Tu'ala could always feel her Masters love, even when he pushed her to train harder, to become all that she could be instead of who she currently was. Some said the Jedi were without love, but that wasn’t true. It was love without fear or need of control, but it was still love. She leaned into his hand, letting it bear the weight of her head. 

“I know. You love me as you love all living things Master. I was just being selfish I suppose.”

Her Master’s other hand came up and ran through her short blonde hair. She let out an exhale, releasing the tension she’d been holding in her body as he continued his soothing touches. It wasn’t something they’d done before, but it felt right. 

“No Tu'ala, you’re not selfish. You never put yourself before another. You just don’t deny yourself for the sake of denial.There are many Jedi who get what they want while still following the Jedi path. You are not selfish Tu'ala, you’ve just always known what you’ve wanted.” 

Tu'ala closed her eyes letting his words seep into her. Perhaps they were true, but no one else would have been able to put them to words with such conviction. “Thank you Master,” she said. She didn’t know what she was specifically thanking him for, but the words felt so right in the moment. Perhaps it was for all of the love he felt for her, or the way he fully accepted her where as so many others would have tried to change her. 

Both of Zuth’s hands cupped her face, as he leaned his forehead against her own. Their noses brushed against each others. “Tell me Tu'ala, what more do you need?”

She shook her head, realizing he’d already given her what she’d asked for. _For now you have me, completely._ She just hadn’t realized all she had. 

“Just this,” she said, brushing her lips against his thumb. He pressed his finger against her lips, as his own found her forehead. She felt the need she’d always carried for more disappearing. What more could she ask for than this?


End file.
